I used to write to my penfriend in Dublin when I was  a young teenager. We met through out mutual love of U2 in the back of a Smash Hits magazine…. Her name was Sandra.

 

She told me she went to the same school as the band had and lived not far from my ‘true love’ Larry Mullen the drummers parents’ house. She sent me twigs from his parents garden hahahaha we were real die-hard fans J

 

We would spend page after page discussing the latest news or music with huge fervour.

 

One particular day I was in the grips of anorexia but did not quite realise how bad it was until I ran like the wind to the post office to post her letter.

 

I had ran everywhere as top speed each time trying to beat the time before. I jumped up and down as many stairs as I could – imagine free running – that’s what I was doing at the time. Everything was a completion to see how agile and athletic I could be -  in competition with myself & all in secret.

 

When I arrived not even out of breath…I asked for a stamp.

 

I naturally went to lick it and for the first time ever suddenly became aware of the sweet glue and had a total panic. CALORIES!!!

 

Furiously I started going through my thoughts thinking of how could I calculate the calorific value of this when I don’t even know what’s in it or the weight. I then almost lost it completely as I had licked the envelope shut earlier. Yet had not thought about it….now everything became clear…

 

There was calories everywhere that vicariously were making me fat and I could not do anything.

 

Millions of questions flying around my head made me feel so sick. I knew this was ridiculous – BUT it had to be dealt with as I had control over every single calorie entering into my body. But this was something I had not thought about.

 

It blindsided me.

 

I felt worse than ever – but oddly enough happy to know about them. Now I could control that too.

 

The air was the next thought into my head ….calories hidden everywhere!

 

My head was spinning and the OCD and anxiety levels at the highest intensity they had ever been. It was a living hell.

 

I had to counter balance it with even more punishing exercise. Run home even faster, harder with more and twice as long just to make sure.

 

This is how ill I became and I know there are many people who have felt this way. It’s disturbing I know – but I want to show you how bad it can become if left to become ingrained.

 

Please seek help ASAP as early intervention is key to recovery.

 

 

Hugs