****TRIGGER WARNING ****
Todays Sky News headline read "psychosis referrals soar 75% since coronavirus emerged" and it filled me with sadness as having experienced psychosis I know exactly how much mental pain and anguish each one of those people behind the statistics will be feeling.
I shared just a small section of what I went through in 'Seconds to Snap' and if anyone is reading this and struggling know this. I got help, I was heavily medicated but it worked and I got my life back, I came back. I didn't think I would, but did So PLEASE don't give up hope. With help and support you can get through this awful time.
"What’s happening to you, Tina? I asked myself over and over again. Every day, I woke up, hoping these strange feelings would have left overnight, but they just got worse over the next three weeks. My confidence took a rapid dive and it got to the point where I didn’t want to be alone. I never told a soul what was going through my head in case they thought I was going mad and locked me up. But all my fears from the years on the ward came flooding back and I recalled the people I had met there, with all their different illnesses.
My mind summoned up Lorraine and the big black shape she had seen in the road, swallowing people up. Was that happening to me now? No! I refused to let the thought get any further – I was so terrified and ashamed at the idea of losing my mind, I just tried to ignore the butterflies that constantly lived in my stomach. Every day, I told myself to carry on and forget it, but I was still living my life at breakneck speed and now I had Jock’s boys to look after, too.
My sister Sophie lived on the top floor of a beautiful old building and, on the first Saturday in April, I went to see her. It was a beautiful spring day and, as usual, the sun shone so brightly, I had to wear sunglasses. I climbed the giant stone staircase up to the fifth floor of the building to her flat, where Sophie let me in with a great big hug. We’d grown so close recently and it was always lovely to see her. She sat me down with a cup of tea but, within a few minutes, I was overcome by a powerful, almost magnetic urge to run and jump out of the window. I planted my feet firmly on the floor, trying to root myself to the wooden floorboards to stop the force, but now there was a voice in my head that kept repeating the word: JUMP. I struggled to resist the voice but, with every second that passed, it was becoming louder and more urgent: JUMP. JUMP. JUMP. JUMP. My hand gripped the arms of the chair – I was terrified. ‘Hey, Tina – are you all right?’ Sophie’s eyes creased with concern. But I couldn’t answer; I was too frightened to allow my concentration to drop in case I ran to the window. I had to fight the force inside me, which was so overwhelming I couldn’t let go of the chair. Why? Why was it doing this to me? I didn’t want to die. Still, the voice inside kept making me turn back to the huge bay windows that looked out over the River Tay. Just run and get it over with. NOW! JUMP!"